Improving A&E Services

[Bush Tucker Man]

I wasn't too sure if this ought to go in the 'Jokes & Funnies' forum, but as it's all a bit too close to the truth, it can stop here

This has been circulating amongst our receptionists, as they've come across very similar circumstances far too many times

I've abbreviated some of it, as I didn't fancy typing it all out & altered/added certain parts
(if anyone wants the unexpirgated copy, I'll e-mail it to them on request)


Want to cut down on waiting times in A&E??
More money, Nurses, Doctors, Radiographers, ENPs would be nice

But here are a few ways the general public could help us all, and themselves, to minimise their waits.......

1. Please, please girls. When that 12th Smirnoff Ice hits your system DO NOT tell your mates that your drink has been spiked and can they call you an Ambulance.
Instead, do us all a favour and look in the toilet mirror.
Would YOU waste your last Rohypnol on someone who looks like you do just now?

2. Teenaged boys. I know it's hard being you, I know everyone hates you.
I've noticed in my long years of purgatory in A&E that it's you & not old ladies who are gatting beaten up every day. However, when you find yourself in casualty after a fight, and find you have to wait longer to see the Doctor than the duration of your present phone-call, DO NOT walk 300yards down the road then get your mates to call you an Ambulance to bring you back.
Remember, I have a concentration span -unlike you - and I saw your sad face less than 10minutes ago.

3. For the love of God, stop asking me how long you'll have to wait.
Your guess is as good as mine!
After 10years I still can't see a pattern to treatment times, so ask me how long a piece of string it, it'll be an easier question to answer.

4. Stop worrying about other patients. When that guy who was sat next to you goes for treatment first, don't come to me saying he didn't look as sick as you. How do you know?
That junkie curled up on the floor?, LEAVE HIM THERE!
The nutter standing outside shouting at the wall??, leave her alone, it's what she does.

5. DO NOT try to chat up female patients sisters/daughters/wifes/mothers. Their brother/father/husband/son may be just round the corner and overhear your corny semi-drunken lines. He may just be the regional Kick-boxing/karate champion and not be in a good mood!!!

6. Kids on 'Tags' Okay, so you have one of these around your ankle and you don't want Group 4 kicking your door in if you're 5minutes late for your curfew.
But don't start pretending you're sick so you can tell tag management you're in Hospital, then sign yourself out so you can go TWOCing with your scum-bag mates!

7. Family & friends. For starters, why are there 10 of you? Only one is sick, right??
But what is annoying is when 3 others decide that the nagging pain they've had for 2weeks may as well be investigated whilst they're all here together.

8. DO NOT park/leave your car in the Ambulance bays. They have ultimate priority!
If you have to drop someone at the door, do so & remove your vehicle to the car-park.
Venturing outside and finding a Mercedes shaped dent in your 'pride & joy' might further ruin your evening. Especially when it's surrounded by half-a-dozen Ambulance crew wondering how easily the windows can be smashed & it be pushed out of the way.
Or, the prospect of having to answer the questions of a Police crew who have accompanied the Ambulance (on 'blues & twos') only to find your car parked in its way.

9. When you've had a car-crash, do not judge your injuries by how your car looks. Modern cars have crumple zones, you are alive & hobbling around because of this.
DO NOT whine to the Traffic Officer who comes to interview you about how the Fire Brigade turned your Saxo into a convertible free of charge in order to extricate you.

10. Be nice to me (the receptionist) I'm the only friend you may have in the waiting room. Doctors look down their noses at me, Staff nurses may dismiss me as a typist. I'll do all I can to see you are treated as soon as possible/your medication arrives from the Pharmacy/your sick-note is filled in for your employer.
BUT, sit there calling me; 'Britney', 'b*tch','Genghis Khans sister', etc..... and I'll make you suffer.....................

[bezzabsa]

dont forget
If you MUST take an overdose - Don't expect my sympathy when i am getting your stomach pumped

[Stormin]

I like it. :D

[Lord Shagg-Pyle]

How about,
"Don't swear and curse at the staff, or tell how them how you pay their wages, as this may result in a longer wait and a sudden shortage of anesthetic"

[andyhubbard]

Or like i've recently been sent to - I can't breath properly and a 999 dispatched at 19.00Hrs only to get it happened at 16.00Hrs and i have walked half a mile up the road to the pub and consumed 3/4 pints and then walked back home. Oh and by the way he pulled a shoulder muscle whislt swinging his 2yr old daughter around who just happened to look like the new baby elephant at the zoo.

[Bush Tucker Man]

dont forget
If you MUST take an overdose - Don't expect my sympathy when i am getting your stomach pumped

Forgot that one. Sorry :oops:

Don't expect any sympathy from our staff, or the Bobbies, after you assault any of us either  :twisted:  :twisted:

How about,
"Don't swear and curse at the staff, or tell how them how you pay their wages, as this may result in a longer wait and a sudden shortage of anesthetic"

Too very true
As I wrote elsewhere in a reply to the Drink Driving thread started by '2007DefenderSeb'

Yes.... that's familiar as well :lol:
If you want anaesthetising before 'manipulation', don't start gobbing off at a 6'2", 17stone R*gby playing A&E Consultant.
Screaming like a girl won't get any sympathy after abusing everyone

Screaming like a girl won't win you 'cool points' with your mates  (in the waiting room) either



On a similar vein, I remember one Nurse (now long retired) telling me about how she'd had to deal with a drunk one night.
He'd been brought in by the Police, as he'd sliced his hand on a glass.

Drunk was swearing & shouting at her...

She asked him to stop.................

The Officer came in & warned drunk...............

Drunk kept on swearing...................

Officer apologised to Nurse, & promised to haul drunk away ASAP.......

Drunk carried on & then spat at the Nurse (in view of the Officer)...................

She slapped him so hard across the face that his head rebounded off the trolleys cot-sides....................................

Drunk tried to complain about her to the Officer.........................

Who had seen.................................... nothing

[Bush Tucker Man]

Or like i've recently been sent to - I can't breath properly and a 999 dispatched at 19.00Hrs only to get it happened at 16.00Hrs and i have walked half a mile up the road to the pub and consumed 3/4 pints and then walked back home.

Oh yes.....

We have the regulars who have a few in a city centre pub, then ring 999 & come in, then saunter off home after 10minutes.
Charge them a call-out fee    

[Bush Tucker Man]

Or like i've recently been sent to - I can't breath properly and a 999 dispatched at 19.00Hrs only to get it happened at 16.00Hrs and i have walked half a mile up the road to the pub and consumed 3/4 pints and then walked back home.

Oh yes.....

We have the regulars who have a few in a city centre pub, then ring 999 & come in, then saunter off home after 10minutes.

We've got one who has about 240 attendances this year :shock:  :shock:  :shock:

He must cost us (Hospital, ambulance service & ultimately the tax-payer)thousands per year

[Evilgoat]

We were always told to make a drunks journey and visit as unpleasent as we can withtout actually being nasty, cue knowledge of routes to find most speed humps and roundabouts etc. And the no anesthetic one is a no brainer, esepceially as there sthe old excuse:

'Sorry you've been drinking, cant give you anything'

[Berliner Beer]

Thas the funny thing about A&E departments. (i've worked in three). There all the same. Or to put it another way

"Same old S**T different postcode!" Merry Christmas !

[freeagent]

i've got a suggestion to add to the list..

if you injure yourself playing competitive sport, try to go to casualty via home, and change out of your sports gear and into a suit... as casualty staff seam to leave people in sports gear until last ("well, its their own fault init") you'll probably halve your waiting time if you are wearing a suit.

my brother has been a regular visitor to casulaty having been stretchered off the rugby/ football/ basketball field/court... the last time he was taken to casualty he said, and i quote...
"there were kids with pots stuck on their heads being seen before me"

seriously guys, you do a great job, keep up the good work... we do realy appreciate you... and if you do see my brother (big lad in sports gear) send him for a long wait.... its his own fault.

[Bush Tucker Man]

'Sorry you've been drinking, cant give you anything'

Especially if they're abusive or aggresive

"Same old S**T different postcode!"

Too true.

We had a member of the House Of Lords in a few months ago (who was on our non-excutive board)
The treatment he (& his wife) got was toe-curling, Consultants ingratiating themselves :x

[andyhubbard]

Just heard on our locl radio they are stationing a police officer in the A+E dept. over christmas and then after at busy times only.

[Boggert]

Back to work this morning... I wonder how many jobs there will be to deal with from last night??
Domestics, drunks... sigh... not that I’m getting cynical or anything but don't people want to spend Christmas at home rather than in the cells or A&E.

[Bush Tucker Man]

Back to work this morning... I wonder how many jobs there will be to deal with from last night??
Domestics, drunks... sigh... not that I’m getting cynical or anything but don't people want to spend Christmas at home rather than in the cells or A&E.

Quite surprisingly we only saw 2 that were 'incapable'

One was a junkie anyway, who had OD'd & was 'abusive & non-co-operative' towards the Ambulance crew.
Though he was compliant during his time with us, once he'd come out of his stupor.
He did repay us by being found in one of the paediatric areas (with stuff under his coat) & when challenged by one of my collegues grabbed her, pushed her aside & then ran out :x
Security went after him & detained him.
Then I had a search near where he'd been caught after he'd been kicked off the grounds and found a radio/CD player stashed behind a wall

So 4 of us spent almost an hour with the Police giving statements & hopefully he'll be charged (when arrested) with 'Assault & Theft'

The Nurse in question suffered bruising to her arm but is more annoyed about it than anything else, as there were 2 BIG lads sat in the waiting room & saw scrote grab her, but did - yes you've guessed it................
nothing :roll:

The other was simply inebriated to the point of being comatose :roll:


Roll on tonight & what that brings :(bigwicked):

[Bush Tucker Man]

Just heard on our locl radio they are stationing a police officer in the A+E dept. over christmas and then after at busy times only.

They're getting common-place with us as well, if only because they attend so often

[Bush Tucker Man]

Forgot :oops:

I asked the attending Officers about 'SkiBum's "Look Out For That Black Dog" trick
Totally 'off the record', they said they hadn't heard of it, it was possibly an old-one, but agreed that it sounded like a damn good idea :lol:

[Boggert]

Suprisingly it was a slow day... god knows what tommrrow will be like, just a few kids on a bloody mini moto and a couple of drunks.