As the Telly has started blaring out the adverts for 'order now and get XYZ delivered in time for Christmas', I thought I'd share a few tips with you on how to have a Happy Christmas. Or at least a Christmas where everyone is still on talking terms by boxing day.
LADIES
Remember a man cannot understand female logic, as it is a strange and complicated concept to explain to a man. If you want somethng for Christmas, don't bother dropping hints. These are about as much use as a chocolate fireguard. Give your bloke a LIST. This should contain as much info as possible, include item, shop, size, colour etc etc. A catalogue number and website addresses are usually good, as your chap can order the perfect present online, with a beer in one hand and a pie in the other, without being dragged out shopping. This normally avoids temper tantrums, which in grown men can be quite spectacular. A good idea is to listen to what your chap wants for Christmas. They're quite good at saying they'd like XYZ, although normally this is done when you're trying to watch a good bit in a soap. Failing this buy them somethng that bolts on to the car, power tools (but with no sharp edges), airfix kits (keeps them quiet for ages), failing that, some brightly coloured, noisy pre-school toy will keep them amused for some time. It also avoids arguments if you have toddlers, who will complain that Daddy's playing with THEIR toys again.
MEN
Please ask in plenty of time what your partner would like for Christmas. Please don't do this whilst she is watching any soap, busy doing the tea, sorting out kids/dogs/horses (delete as appropriate). Don't ask when you are 'on the job' either. If she says she'll think about it, ask, and keep asking for a list. Women are strange creatures, what is acceptable one year may cause arguments the next. Remember when you first started going out, chocolates were an acceptable present? Check if she's on a diet before spending a small (or large) fortune in Thorntons. Don't buy make-up unless you're told SPECIFICALLY what to buy. Buying makeup without being asked sends the message you think she's getting old/ugly. Buying underwear is another minefield. Check out her lingerie drawer - otherwise you'll buy wrong size, and something that's suitable either for your Granny or a Lady of Dubious Reputation.
Perfume is normally quite a safe bet, as are scented soaps, again, not Lavender or anything that reminds you of your Gran.
ON NO ACCOUNT buy anything electrical for the house, UNLESS she specifically asks for it, for Christmas. A lot of damage can be inflicted with a hot iron, or a smoothie maker. Buying gifts online is also quite good, as you can ask a lot of places to gift wrap things for you. some shopping centres also offer a gift wrap service. A Morrison's carrier bag wrapped around said item does not count.
Part two will follow shortly, but my boss is prowling around and my lunch hour is almost over......
