Moncrieff The Mole
Author: Stuart Brownlee
Name - Moncrieff III
Age - According to Moncrieff, this can only be worked out using the Gamma Function and therefore I've no idea.
Ancestors - Moncrieff II (recently deceased), Moncrieff I (Moncrieff I was a small stone with eyes and I don't know what became of him).
Favourite Colour - Sort of a cross between yellow and orange
Birthplace - the breakfast bar in my house
Occupation - Chicken Manipulation Maestro & Grand Vizier of the Ollish Kingdom. However, he also moonlights as a Super Hero called "Catswan". "Catswan" has vague, metaphysical powers over cakes. To aid him in whatever he does in this line, "Catswan" possesses a peculiar aerial contraption known as a "heliocopter". This is a flying machine that is partly a cake (frosted battenburg), it also has a bagel at the top through which the sun shines and reflects on a giant magnifying glass. Flight is also aided by means of a curious mechanism not unlike an early Leonardo Da Vinci drawing of such contrivances. The heliocopter is fully equipped with a duck detector of the maraschino cherry type (when it appeared to detect a flock of geese one time, Moncrieff queried the dealer, and the dealer said that this was quite normal on account of it being a good test of the sensitivity of the detector). The machine has been specially treated to forbid scallop infestation, although the reflection of the sun is usually an effective anti-scallop fouling mechanism. There are also several green lasers that are emitted from the bottom of the machine for no good reason.
Best friends - Terence (the rubber chicken), King Ollie Sandcastle I, Jackie (the landlady at the "Crown & Anchor"), Rupert & Dennis (regulars at the "Crown & Anchor" - actually, Rupert's more into Terence than Moncrieff).
Other information - Although most people think that there's no subtlety in operating a rubber chicken, Moncrieff can firmly state that this is in fact not the case. Although certain personages such as e.g James & Fahad think that all you have to do is aggressively squeeze the chicken, this is in fact frowned upon by experts of the craft. There are in fact certain distinct noises that can be coaxed out of a rubber chicken, the which are below summarised:
1. "Almost" cluck - this is rather difficult to pull off successfully and some people don't notice it, but basically there's the slightest suggestion of a cluck, a Pre-Cluck if you will. Can occur during gentle, exploratory squeezing.
2. Brief cluck (low pitched). Not an easy one to do often, again it's down to gentle pressure and we think now that it is dependent upon which part of the chicken is actually compressed.
3. Average cluck (often high pitched). This involves momentary pressure - the volume can carry a bit sometimes.
4. Loud, annoying noise that's not even a proper cluck - these are often the work of e.g James & Fahad and sometimes when I'm returning with a cup of coffee to my desk such noises can be accidentally emitted. Chicken slippage can similarly initiate such grevious sounds.
There are two main gripping places on the chicken, one of them is via the neck and the other is with both paws around the chicken's stomach. The neck grip is easier for Moncrieff. The chicken will sometimes need re-tuning if he has been in transit for any length of time in an uncomfortable or awkward position. This is achieved by means of adjusting the position of the "squawk" tube which you can see if you look inside Terence's mouth. This is best done by means of a pair of pliers.
Moncrieff believes that wasps can be stopped from infesting sheds by means of a few well-placed signs.
There are certain words or phrases that can cause Moncrieff to behave oddly, e.g:
1. "spossej" - this causes him to moonwalk for a few seconds
2. "twonk" - this used to cause him to faint for about 5 seconds, but now he doesn't react to it at all.
3. "Basingstoke" - this causes him to look fairly amazed for a few seconds.
4. "Ye clouthe et fosse et knyghte sloppe; brithe ye sloume, et et et noage ye slithe, oh um oh um oh um" - This is an old Ollish phrase dating back to circa 1989 and it causes Moncrieff to be insensible for about a minute.
At night, Moncrieff exclusively prefers to sleep atop a packet of Ryvita crackers - sesame seed flavour, I think.
Moncrieff likes the appearance of a complex network of pipes, especially Victorian plumbing - he's mad about Victorian fretted ironwork also.
Moncrieff's favourite music, which he has requested as his personal theme music, is the music that plays when the Clay Men appear in the 1936 chapter play "Flash Gordon's Trip To Mars".
Moncrieff's favourite tipple is a glass of Woods Navy Rum.
Moncrieff wishes that he was a more well-known Internet meme than the Dramatic Gopher.
Moncrieff expresses affection mainly by means of rubbing noses and licking the area directly beneath one's nose.
The previous Moncrieff, Moncrieff II used to wear a large plastic wasp on his back called Bianca, but Bianca fell to bits and had to be let go. This was a pity, because a small rubber duck called Captain Excelsior used to ride in turn upon Bianca's back. The new Moncrieff has yet to labour under such a load.
