A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of
>> America:
>>
>> In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for
>> President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
>> notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
>> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
>> duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,
>> which she does not fancy).
>>
>> Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
>> America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
>> Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
>> to determine whether any of you noticed.
>>
>> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
>> rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>>
>> You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
>>
>> 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
>> be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>>
>> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
>> 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
>> skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
>> suffix - ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
>> to acceptable levels.
>>
>> (Look up 'vocabulary').
>>
>> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
>> such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
>> of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
>> Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be
>> adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
>> elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem,
>> God Save The Queen.
>>
>> 4. The fourth of July will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
>>
>> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
>> lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
>> therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
>> should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
>> things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
>> you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
>>
>> 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
>> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
>> you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>>
>> 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
>> your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
>> we
>> mean.
>>
>> 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
>> start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
>> will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
>> conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
>> understand the British
>> sense of humour.
>>
>> 9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
>> calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>>
>> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
>> Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
>> potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
>> fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
>>
>> 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
>> actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
>> referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
>> provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
>> acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on
>> earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
>> British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
>>
>> 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
>> good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
>> play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English
>> dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
>> having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
>>
>> 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
>> of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
>> will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
>> to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
>> twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of
>> nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash
>> you, like they regularly thrash us.
>>
>> 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
>> host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
>> outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
>> world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
>> learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
>> take the sting out of their deliveries.
>>
>> 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>>
>> 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
>> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
>> monies due (backdated to 1776).
>>
>> 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never
>> mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in
>> season.
>>
>> God save the Queen.
>>
>> Only He can.
>>
>> John Cleese
